September 2, 2006
Billboards on Missouri highways can be downright scary or utterly fascinating depending on your point of view, and reading them at 70 mph can put you in the ditch.
Do not get me wrong I love this great State of Missouri, but my goodness, enough already with the forest of billboards along our highways.
Whether I am driving horizontally across my beloved State of Missouri on Interstate 70 or whether I am driving diagonally on Interstate 44, or south on Interstate 55 a magnitude of billboards admonishes me to do something or other.
It is a veritable visual lecture.
To make matters worse, the type face and print size is so attention-getting and large that one could not ignore it if one tried.
All I can figure is that they must be printing these signs large enough for our aging Baby Boomer eyes to read.
Even I, of extreme near-sightedness, cannot miss them.
Usually they are one word signs.
Passions!
Jesus!
Golf!
Winery!
Fireworks!
So, here I am driving along trying not to be too distracted by the words in gigantic type when I begin to notice some rather enticing billboards telling me about posh condos, gorgeous golf courses, and ocean-size yachts available at the Lake of the Ozarks.
My mind wanders full of pleasant daydreams about such an exciting lifestyle.
“Wait a minute here, “ I mumble to myself, “Honestly, do we need ocean-size yachts in the Midwest?”
The next billboard jolts me back into reality.
Its strict message from a legal firm tells me that if I have been hit by a truck or injured in anyway from a traffic accident, I must call them now!
They have my attention.
Still, I have to wonder whether or not their sign could be distracting enough to put me in the ditch.
“If so, would I be able I sue them,” I ponder?
The next sign I encounter tells me that it would be a very good idea to send my son or daughter to a prestigious military academy.
Other billboards advertise a number of communities telling me to stop by and visit their cities because they are the friendliest, offer fascinating historical sites, or have the best Missouri-made wines or cheeses one has ever tasted.
Unlike in the State of Kansas, I did not see a single Missouri sign that claimed to have the world’s largest ball of twine.
Small blessings abound!
As I drove, the billboard lectures continued.
Be courteous to motorcycle drivers, do not have an abortion, call here to have an abortion, get religion, learn to drive a truck, join the Army, do not throw trash on the roadside, stop and visit the brand new megaplex XXX adult video store, buy new or used guns, take a break at a gigantic consignment antique mall, attend the church of your choice, or see topless dancers at a “gentlemen’s club.”
What, no zoo?
By now, my mind was spinning.
Naturally, I began to wonder what visitors to my state must think of our billboards and us.
Do these behemoths define us to passersby?
If so, visitors to my lovely state might assume that we Missourians are high-end-yacht- loving golfers who adore Jesus and wine and go to church when we are not frequenting gun, antique, or porn stores and shooting off M-80’s.
Whoa Nellie!
I was befuddled.
All I wanted when I started reading the signs was a cup of coffee, some gas, and a bathroom.
Of course, the signs I needed were in microscopic type.
Moment. There was one more billboard I forgot to mention to you.
“Outlet mall just ahead.”
Never mind, I stopped.
